The Thought of Losing You
by Lady Aurelia Crawley
Summary: When Elsie discovers a lump, it's Ella that she turns to for help and support; but can Ella really cope with the possible loss of her mother? And can Elsie help Ella to prepare for motherhood?
1. Chapter 1

The late spring sun shone brightly over Downton, for the first time, after several days of rain. The weather was a lot warmer than it had been as well, which meant that Henry and Ella could finally start moving some items of furniture into their new home.

Ella was now seven months pregnant and her baby was growing strong and healthy, but with her considerable bump, she was finding moving around exhausting; not that it stopped her from trying. She enjoyed getting out of the Abbey every now and then and venturing down to her new cottage that she would soon be sharing with her husband.

They had spent the last couple of months refurbishing their cottage and decorating it; well, Henry did all the work between him, Tom and Charlie, whilst Ella, Sybil and Elsie sat and watched and provided refreshments.

Since Ella had decided to move out of the Abbey, Elsie had also decided that it was time she bit the bullet and moved into her cottage on a more permanent basis. It had, of course, taken a lot of getting used to and there was still the occasional sleepless night; but the time that she was able to spend with her husband and daughter, far outweighed the negatives.

'So when do you think you will move in properly?' Elsie asked as she and Ella sat in Ella's room back at the Abbey. They had just walked up from the cottage, leaving Henry and Tom to paint the outside walls. Sybil had walked back up with them as well, but she had returned to her own room to rest.

'I'm not too sure if I'm honest; I thought we might have moved in before the baby was born, so that we could get settled. However, Henry seems to think it would be better for me to wait until after,' Ella replied with a tired smile as she rubbed her protruding belly, which caused Elsie to smile.

'Are you comfortable enough?' She asked as she watched Ella squirm.

'I'm not actually, my back is killing me.'

'Sit foreword a moment,' Elsie replied as she stood up and went to her daughter's aid. She grabbed at the cushion behind Ella and plumped it up, before replacing it and leaning Ella back against it. 'Is that better?'

'Much better, thank you Mam.'

Elsie then sat back down and took hold of her knitting, that was placed beside her, whilst Ella rested her head against the back of her armchair and closed her eyes, just for a few moments; or so she thought. Elsie smiled as she watched her daughter sleeping peacefully, but jumped about twenty minutes later when Ella woke with a start.

'For heaven's sake Ella, you nearly scared the life out of me!'

'Sorry Mam; but I think I rather scared the life out of myself,' Ella replied with a laugh as she then rubbed her bump again. 'I was just having a nice dream about Mrs Patmore's cake, when the baby gave me a swift kick in the ribs.'

'Ah, I remember those well,' Elsie replied with a smile. 'You always used to wait until I was just drifting off to sleep; then you would wake up and I would have no peace.'

'Well, I think this little one must take after me, because it always seems to wake up in the middle of the night,' Ella explained. 'Would you like to feel it kicking?'

Elsie's eyes lit up brightly at Ella's question and she instantly moved forward, with her hand outstretched, which Ella placed on her tummy, over her growing baby. They sat in anticipated silence for a few moments until Elsie felt that strange, yet familiar, thump beneath her fingertips.

'Och that's certainly a strong kick if ever I felt one!' She exclaimed with teary delight, which made Ella's happy smile broaden further.

'Mam, can I ask you something?' She asked quietly, with a slightly concerned look on her face after a few moments, which caused Elsie's brow to furrow.

'Of course.'

'Well I want to ask you to be with me, when the baby is born I mean; I can't imagine going through it without you beside me, or Mama, so I want you both to be with me when the time comes,' she said, clasping nervously on to Elsie's hand.

'Well where else would I be, but by your side?' Elsie replied with a warm comforting smile and Ella gave her mam a loving, yet nervous smile back.

'I'm starting to get rather nervous actually,' Ella said shyly.

'It's only natural that you would be nervous…'

'But what if I'm not a good mother? What do I know about motherhood? What if I'm doing the wrong thing by raising my child, when all I've ever known are nannies and governesses?' She asked uncertainly.

'Now you listen to me my girl; you are going to be a wonderful mother and your child is going to be loved and cherished. None of us enters motherhood knowing how to be one and we all make mistakes,' Elsie replied as she cupped Ella's cheek, 'but you have got me and your dad to help you and a wonderful husband in Henry; so don't you go worrying yourself about not being a good mother.'

Ella nodded her head and felt silly for her irrational fears, but her anxieties weren't quite as easy to push away as she had hoped; but she knew that she had the love and support of her mam and that meant more to her than anything else possibly could.


	2. Chapter 2

After resting all afternoon, Ella now felt refreshed and more comfortable. Elsie had gone back downstairs to allow Ella to sleep properly for a while and to prepare for the evening dinner. Henry had returned several hours ago looking exhausted and filthy, having spent the entire afternoon painting.

'Oh my darling what do you look like?' Ella had greeted whilst stifling a laugh, referring to his face and hair which was covered in flecks of paint.

'Never try to paint outside on a windy day!' He replied with a tired laugh as he crawled onto the bed beside her and rubbed his hand over her tummy and smiled lovingly at her. 'How are you feeling my love?' He asked.

'I was very tired, but I'm alright now. My ankles are swollen though and my back's a little sore, but I really couldn't be happier,' she replied as she also rubbed her stomach and felt her baby stretch and stir.

'Have you been able to rest?'

'I have; Mam sat with me for a while and then she went downstairs,' she replied as she propped herself up more against her large pillows and was then joined by Henry, who lovingly kissed her and then placed his hand on his unborn baby.

'It'll all be worth it in a couple more months; when we've got our baby in our arms and we are a proper family, in our own cottage…well, when I finish it,' he said with a laugh.

'Oh I have no doubt of that.'

They smiled lovingly at each other and sat in contemplative silence for a time. They loved these moments of solitude, where they could enjoy nothing but each other's company and peace from the outside world.

'I hope we will be able to move into the cottage soon; when do you think it will be ready?' Ella asked after a while.

'Tom and I are doing our best to get it finished before the baby is born my love, but we may have to wait until after I'm afraid. I want these next couple of months to be as relaxing and as stress free for you as possible,' he replied as he kissed her tenderly on the forehead.

At that moment there was a gentle knock at the door and then Sybil's head appeared round it, 'are you coming down to dinner?' She asked quizzically, looking as equally tired as her twin.

'Yes I suppose we had better make a move,' Ella replied and she struggled to get up and then, eventually followed Sybil and Tom down to the drawing room where the rest of her family were waiting for them.

Downstairs, Elsie gently paced round her sitting room whilst everyone else ran round outside getting ready for dinner. She was worried. She didn't want to say anything to Ella at first, for she didn't want to worry her in her condition; but there was no one else that she wanted to turn to either. She had contemplated saying it there and then, when she had been in Ella's room earlier, but her daughter had been so exhausted that it wasn't right to tell her then.

She knew that Ella would be down to see her almost as soon as dinner was over though. Since Henry had allowed her to be up and about now, she became very tired very quickly, so she would spend an hour with her parents before heading downstairs to spend an hour with her mam and dad, before heading to bed for an early night. Perhaps she could speak to her then, before Charlie came down.

Upstairs, Ella was completely oblivious to her mam's worries, as she sat with her family waiting to be called for dinner.

'Golly, I do feel so tired!' Sybil said as they sat together on the sofa next to Cora.

'Well I hope both you girls are getting plenty of rest. Your first child can be especially tiring and I want to make sure you're looking after yourselves.'

'Oh don't worry about that Mama, Henry and Tom have us wrapped in cotton wool,' Ella replied, just as the door opened and Charlie walked in with a gentle nod in Cora's direction.

'Shall we go in?' Cora said as she stood from her place and made her way passed Charlie with Robert, closely followed by Edith, Violet, Tom and Sybil. Henry helped Ella to stand and then guided her towards the door, where she gently gave her dad's hand a surreptitious squeeze and he responded with a small smile back.

'I hope you're taking it easy young lady,' he whispered discreetly from behind her as he followed them into the dining room.

'Of course dad; with you, Mam, Henry and the everyone else looking after me, how can I do anything but take it easy?' She replied with a tired, yet mischievous wink, causing her dad to gently shake his head at her. They then entered the dining room, where he pulled out the chair for her as he sat her down to the table, resuming their relationship as lady and butler once more.

As they sat to dinner, they all chatted about current events, politics, the Royal family and more local news about the hospital. Overall, it was a very quiet dinner, which was exactly as Ella needed it, and it passed quite quickly; but even with her rest in the afternoon, Ella was still exhausted and yearned for her bed.

'Mama, would you mind if I said goodnight to you just now and went downstairs? I'm absolutely shattered but I want to say goodnight to Mrs Carson before I go up.'

'Of course not darling,' Cora replied with maternal understanding and gave her daughter a kiss on the cheek goodnight, as Ella then said goodnight to the rest of her family and made her way downstairs.

'Hello Mam,' she said as she tapped on the door to Elsie's sitting room, who was delighted to see her.

'I didn't expect you down so soon,' she replied as she swivelled round in her chair to face her darling daughter.

'I know, but I wanted to come and see you before I went to bed. I'm still rather tired and fancied an early night, but I couldn't go to sleep without spending a little of my evening with you.'

'Well that's kind,' Elsie replied a little nervously, her own problem still playing on her mind, 'but I don't want you to feel that you have to stay. If you are tired, I would much rather you got your rest.'

'I know that, but I want to; I do love you Mam and I enjoy the time we have together.'

Elsie loved it when she heard Ella say things like that to her; there were still times when she couldn't quite believe that she had Ella in her life and this thought mixed with her emotions of fear for her current secret, which she tried and failed to hide.

'Mam what is it?' Ella asked as she saw the look of sadness cross Elsie's face.

'It's nothing you need to worry about,' Elsie tried to brush off.

'Now you really have got me worried; tell me what it is, maybe I can help,' Ella replied with a fearful tone and her fear grew when she saw her mam's eyes begin to water.

'Very well; I was going to talk to you about it earlier, but I didn't want to worry you, I still don't, but I need your opinion on something,' she began. 'I first felt it a couple of days ago, but it hasn't gone down as I hoped it might have. I found a lump on my…' she stammered and indicated her chest, clearly embarrassed. 'I wanted to ask if you would look at it, give me your opinion of what you think; that is, if it wouldn't prove too embarrassing for you,' she whispered, barely able to look Ella in the eye.

'Of course I will have a look at it Mam and I certainly will not be embarrassed; I'll try to make it as discreet as I can for you,' Ella replied softly as she watched Elsie undo the first few buttons on the front of her dress. She felt so sorry for her mam, who looked absolutely mortified about what she was doing and her hands shook with nerves as she undid the last button.

Ella adopted her nursing demeanour, something she had not been required to do for quite a while, but it came so naturally to her, that this reminded her of how much she missed it, as she gently placed her hands to the underside of Elsie's right breast and began to feel for the lump. It took her a few moments, but she found the, thankfully, small lump that was causing her mam so much concern.

'Well, there's definitely a lump; is it causing you any pain or discomfort?'

'No, I don't think so,' Elsie said awkwardly as she felt Ella delicately feeling the lump and was appreciative that Ella was trying to be discreet, as she had promised. The fact that Ella didn't seem to be embarrassed was putting Elsie a little at ease, but she did still feel slightly mortified. 'What do I do about it?' She whispered once Ella had finished examining it, allowing her to re-dress herself.

'Well, I'll book you an appointment to see Doctor Clarkson in the morning, then he can have a much better look at it and he'll run some tests so that we can find out exactly what it is that's caused the lump. I know exactly what you are thinking though Mam and I don't want you to worry unduly. There can be any number of reasons for a lump to form,' Ella said reassuringly, but Elsie wasn't convinced.

'But what if it's…' she broke off, unable to fully vocalise her fears, as she began to sob.

'Mam please don't,' Ella whispered as she embraced her mother in a tight and loving hug, well, the best she could with her protruding bump. 'It will be alright; I'll be with you at every step of the way if you want me to be.'

They continued to hold on tightly to each other as Ella tried to comfort to her mam the best she could and Elsie fearing that she needed to make the most of each second with her daughter, terrified that they may be her last.


End file.
